Life at Xavier Mansion
by Carnicirthial
Summary: My view on what a school full of mutants would be like, slightly Random-ized. Inspired by RandomBattlecry and Monty Python. This time: We get a visit from the Star Wars cast. DUN DUN DUN!
1. Marie's Baking project

Heya! I've had this idea for a long time, but have yet to post it. Becca the Giggler read it and luaghed herself off the chair, but Becca laughs at everything. Potato. Betcha she's laughing. Anyway, I'd like to thank the Python's and their escapaid with the Holy Grail. NI! I'd alsom like to thank Random for giving me so many ideas, sorry if i sorta plagerized the squirrels and the whole self-refrence-in-third-person-thing. Enjoy, review, and be Merry! Oh, I own squat.

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Life at Xavier Mansion

Marie's baking Project

We all know that Marie can't touch anybody, right? And all things considered, it's probably for the best of the growing population. Sorry, sick comment. Anyway, like I was saying, Marie can't touch anybody. Well, she can, but they get all wrinkly and icky and start gasping for air and next thing ya know everyone is at your bedroom door and Jean is shouting, "Quick, Scott get a pillow!" And then Marie, in all her stupidity, turns to Ororo and says in an attempt to be heart-wrenching, "It was an accident." Well, DUH! Of course you didn't mean to kill Logan, but what were you doing in a grown man's bedroom when we all know that in order to appeal to the female audience, Bryan Singer had Hugh Jackman sleep with his shirt off?! But I digress; this particular chapter is about Marie, and all her stupidity. You see, I have just finished watching Monty Python, and it has inspired me to attempt at funny. Have at it!

We come to Marie, thick oven mitts on her hands in place of those gloves, as she pulls out a pan from the oven. Thick, ghastly, noxious steam wafts forward, almost killing the Audience, which at this particular moment consists of Becca the Giggler, PiPPinluvr, sych77 (I hope) as well as RandomBattlecry (once again, I'm merely hopeful). Marie, having learned from previous attempts with the oven is wearing a gas mask.

Bobby walks into the kitchen and immediately begins to claw at his throat. Marie attempts to comfort him and perform mouth to mouth, but the prat forgot that her skin is deadly and only kills him quicker. All remorse, however, is quickly stolen away by the discovery that the Author (sorry, Random, but I love how you refer to yourself in third person) changed Shawn Ashmore as Bobby Drake for Daniel Radcliff as Harry Potter.

Returning to her baking, Marie takes out a butter knife and begins to hack at the concoction. It doesn't work, so she turns to a steak knife. That doesn't work either, so she proceeds to go through a cleaver, a welding torch, a hammer and chisel, as well as attempting to suck the life out of the brick she has created. The cleaver broke, the welding torch only further burnt the Thing, the hammer and chisel broke the glass baking pan, and her try at sucking the life out of the brick made it even harder.

Then, because the Author was reading "His Life an Open Book", Van Helsing ran through the kitchen screaming, "SQURRILES!" Soon after Kurt wandered through, playing jump-rope with his tail.

"Kurt! Please help me! I can't cut my baking and now I'm going to die!" True, over dramatic, but Marie has always had very little perception of her situation.

"By doing what?"

And now we find both Marie and Kurt standing on the school's lawn, mostly because the Author sucks at dialogue. There was a sudden _bamf _and Kurt teleported above Xavier mansion, dropping the Thing at the altitude that commercial jets often fly. At that exact moment Logan decided to take a nice stroll, and walked right under the Unidentified Falling Baking Attempt.

"Logan!" Marie screamed, once again playing up the drama. His only response was to look up just as the UFBA hit Logan strait in the face.

Had it hit anyone other than Logan, they would have been killed, as well as horribly mangled. As it is, however, the UFBA just bounced off Logan's upturned face and hit the pavement. There was a large dent in the driveway now but Logan merely kept on walking.

Baffled by not only the Author's math homework, but also the indestructible nature of her UFBA, now UBA because it was no longer falling, Marie sought help all over the mansion. Ororo hit it with lightning, Jean tried to read its thoughts, Bobby tried to freeze it, Pyro (who was visiting for Groundhog's day) tried to burn it, Kitty tried phasing through it, Tas (a character of my own invention) and Angela (another of my own characters) tried whacking at it with their quarterstaffs, Tiger (yet another of my creations) tried eating it, Mystique tried imitating it, and Dracula tried to suck its blood. Still, the creation would not break, although it was now one of the living dead and had its psyche analyzed.

Scott and Logan were the only ones who had not helped in an attempt to destroy the Thing, but Logan had just come back in with an armful of daisies and Scott was currently PMSing. No, Scott is not a girl; he was undergoing Pissy Male Syndrome.

"Heya, darlin'." It drives me – I mean the Author crazy when people have Logan call Marie "darlin'."

"Logan, I'm going to die if my UBA doesn't get cut." Marie gave him her best simper, making her look like she had indigestion.

"You're gunna die, huh? Well, I don't see why I should cut that brick."

"LOGAN!"

"Fine, fine, give it here." Logan poked the Thing and, frustrated that it wouldn't die, began to poke harder. Soon, Logan was attacking the evil brick with gusto, only to find no change in its outward appearance. In fact, it almost seemed that the UBA was laughing at them. Actually, it was Scott who was laughing.

"Oh shut up, Scout!"

"It's Scott."

"I like Scout better."

"My name is Scott."

"Scout."

"Scott."

"Scout."

"Scott."

"Scout."

"Scott."

"Scott."

"Scout."

"HA!"

Scott became so frustrated that he tried to zap Logan, but Logan whipped up the UBA and Scott's laser beam bounced off the Thing and hit the back of Professor X's wheel chair, sending him flying through the window. The assembled crowd looked at the shattered window, and instantly scattered. Ororo and Marie both retreated upstairs, and once they were sure that they were out of the Professor's blame-range, Storm asked:

"What on earth were you trying to bake?"

"Brownies."

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REVIEW OR SO HELP ME!


	2. Xwars

I doth apologise for how incredily stupid this is, and I must warn against spoilers at the end. Ohterwise, have at it!

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X Wars

Back by popular demand, my one-shot is now a two-shot. This time, in honor of _Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith,_ we're going to have some guest stars. Guest stars, say hello.

They all mutter, "Hello."

The author appears with a light saber in one hand and a manila folder labeled, "blackmail."

At the sight of the folder the guests scramble to be the first to shake every hand in Audience, however, most of the Audience never gets the chance because crazed fangirls mob Anakin. They would have mobbed Obi-Wan too, but he was chained at the ankle to the Author.

Obi-Wan glares at the Author. "Why, again, am I chained to your foot?"

The Author doesn't answer, she's busy watching Yoda beat Jar Jar Binks into oblivion.

Obi-Wan raises his light saber and prepares to saw of the Author's ankle, but stops short. In front of him is Rogue, who in an attempt to speak sounds like a fish might if it were forced to breathe air shortly after eating a kilogram of horseradish.

"May I help you, miss?" Obi-Wan asks, unaware that the Author is now clutching him protectively.

"Gaagaa, haminah ga do faa kii nawaw!" Trying to impress the Jedi, she starts proclaiming her love in what she thinks is Cling-on. However, Ob-Wan doesn't speak Cling-on, and what she was saying was not complimentary in the slightest. It actually meant, "Your mother was a Gungan and your father smelled like Bantha-fodder!" In a remote dialect of the language that most Wookies speak.

All of the Star Wars cast members pause for a moment, all wondering what Obi-Wan would do. The pause isn't very long, but long enough for Yoda and Chewy to bet on how many seconds Rogue would last. During this pause, Ob-Wan greatly considers hacking her into a billion tiny pieces with a dull spoon, but because the Author has now restricted all of his free movement, he settles with the response, "Kachi fralk nani polec anfri tarfari naaeki." There is no point in translating this sentence because it have to be censored in order to maintain the K+ rating.

Rogue doesn't realize what he said and screams gleefully. She dives at the full-entangled Obi-Wan, but backs off when the Author begins hissing and spitting. Obi-Wan is now wholly in the throes of misery, and moans, "Why me, why couldn't I have been eaten by something large and without dental hygiene instead?"

Of course, now the Author is listening and smacks him rather hard on the head. "Because your even more attractive counterpart Christian isn't here to be hugged." She decides it would be a good idea to emphasize her point by squeezing the life out of Obi-Wan.

Sadly, Obi-Wan is not actually squeezed to death and still has enough breath to squeak, "Well, dolt, you're the Author, why don't you write him in?"

Still leeching the life out of Obi-Wan, she gleefully answers, "Because I can't bring a singing poet into _Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith!_ Can you just imagine Anakin and Padmé singing 'Come what may'? Anakin is too melodramatic to begin with, and Padmé is too busy crying over the fact to he's a Sith that she would completely throw the whole song out of tune. That's a good idea, though. Maybe we should have a Moulin Rouge week and –"

The Author never finishes, however, because Logan stalks onto the set, which is actually his bedroom.

Obi-Wan whispers to the Author, "Is he part Wookie?"

The Author squeaks and quickly detaches herself from Obi-Wan. Logan glares menacingly at Obi-Wan and proceeds to loom over the Author. "What is this freak show doing in my bedroom?"

At the same moment, Yoda has finished with what was Jar Jar Binks and is distracted by a flashlight that for no apparent reason is hanging in Logan's hand. He attempts to snatch it, but when Logan refuses to let go, Yoda hits him with his cane and begins shouting, "Mine! Mine! Just as bad as the droid, you be!"

Logan begins waving the flashlight around, and consequently Yoda as well, as the little green man won't let go of the flashlight. During the distraction, the Author sneaks away and continues her mischief.

Across the room, Padmé suddenly blurts out, "Anakin, you're going to be a terrible father!" She squeaks and holds her hands to her mouth.

Anakin peels off the fangirls and looks at Padmé in what might be surprise or anguish or a desire to hack her face off.

Once again feeling possessed she screams, "Your going to chop your son's arm off!"

Anakin has had enough and begins shouting, "I hate you! I hate you!"

Obi-wan, hearing his cue jumps in and chops of Anakin's three human limbs and shouts back, "You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them. You were to bring balance to the force, not leave it in darkness!"

Now in total and complete agony Anakin shout's back, "I hate you!"

Somewhat distressed that the Author was using them to recreate her favorite scene-ending, Obi-Wan continues, "You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you!"

At that moment Pyro rushes in and sets fire to Anakin's body.

Logan looks at the grinning Author. "You are a sick person."

Pretending to pout, she whines, "But my handler - I mean psychiatrist says I'm making good progress!" Logan continues to stare her down. "You ruin all my fun."

"Fix him, sicko." The Author sighs and with a click of her mouse Anakin gets put in the Vader suit. "All the way." Logan's voice is beginning to get scary.

The Author shrinks back and squeaks, "You can't take Vader out of the Vader suit! That's the ultimate geek blasphemy! I couldn't do that!"

Suddenly everything freezes and Hugh Jackman walks on. "Hello, mates! The Author seems to have hit writers block, and while she attempts to save what little plot this story has, I'll be advertising for Foxtel!"

Another Hugh Jackman walks on. "You can't do that, she doesn't have the copywriting."

Yet another Hugh Jackman walks on. "Then what are we supposed to do."

Harrison Ford runs past in a yellow jumpsuit shouting, "I didn't kill my wife!"

All the Hughs watch him run past. Hugh #1 asks, "Was that Harrison Ford from the Fugitive?"

As if to answer the question Tommy Lee Jones runs past shouting, "I don't care!"

Hugh #2 sighs, "She's barking mad."

Hugh #3 looks around. "Perhaps we should just end it here before she brings in Mark Hamil."

A dramatic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" is heard from outside.

The Author cackles hysterically and cackles just before the Hughs draw the curtain closed.

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REVEIW OR I'LL CARVE YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON! props to whoever can tell me what movie I'm mocking


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